9/30/2013 - "Good food," guns, and armed kids!

     Jim Croce advises us in his classic song You don't mess around with Jim that we shouldn't, "tug on Superman's cape" or "pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger". These two are classic examples of actions no sane person should undertake. After the events of last Thursday, however, maybe we should add a verse to that song that includes not eating Anthony Smalls's "good food".

     Apparently, all Anthony G. Smalls, 54, of Gainesville, wanted to do was have something good to eat. However, sometime before 9:20PM on the night of the 26th, Smalls opened up his pantry, only to find it, if not bare, at least missing a few items. Going up to his 21 year old son's room, Smalls began to yell at his son for eating his food.

     There are no details on exactly how long the argument between father and son lasted, but at some point Smalls left the room, only to return with a 6 inch kitchen knife. According to the police, Smalls then proceeded to threaten his son, saying that he would stab the young man if he ate, "anymore of his good food,". The argument between the two men must have continued on for some time, as the Alachua County Sheriff's Office arrived at the house just before midnight and arrested Smalls.

     This isn't Smalls' first run in with the law. Smalls has a somewhat substantial criminal  record, including counts of battery and petty theft. Smalls was booked into the Alachua County jail, under a $5,000 bond.


Other news in brief:

Boy, 9, brings gun, bullets, knife to Elementary School - Maybe they should add  a verse about this kid as well.

Pot smoking man shoots self in abdomen at Callaway McDonalds - "Yeah, this thing is cocked and ready to go, I bet I can uncock it and put it in my waist band all at the same time." (facepalm)

Nephew wants TV; uncle doesn't want him to have it; nephew reacts badly - No one gets between this man and his shows. I mean, Downton Abbey isn't going to watch itself.

Only in Florida 7/23/2013

     There are very few places in the United States that allow public nudity. Mostly, these places are either secluded beaches, campgrounds, or resorts. Outside of those areas, people tend to keep their clothes on, unless they are in New Orleans for Mardi Gras and are very intoxicated. Because of this, when an unidentified man decided to take a naked jaunt down the median of the Caloosahatchee Bridge near Fort Myers, he attracted no small amount of attention.

      Early in the morning of July 16th, the Lee County Sheriff's Office started receiving reports of a naked man walking southbound on the Caloosahatchee Bridge. Witnesses on the scene described the man as, "not wearing clothes and waving his hands with raised arms as he walked." When the deputies arrived, wrapped him  apprehended him, the man, with apparently nothing to hide, told the deputies that he had parked his car near the foot of the bridge, and it was rigged with explosives.

     Generally, law enforcement officers tend to not take bomb threats lightly, even if they are given by a naked, arm waving man. To keep everyone safe, the deputies closed off the bridge and called in the bomb squad to disarm the man's car. Using their specialized robots, the bomb techs carefully searched the car from a distance, eventually clearing the car to be approached. The car did have some suspicious items in it, but there was no bomb and the bridge was reopened later in the day.

     Normally, the man who made the threat would be charged and placed in jail. However, in this case, the man was Baker Acted, and was taken to a local mental health facility for evaluation. Most native Floridians know what the Baker Act is, but to those unaware, the Baker Act is a law in Florida where a person can be involuntarily detained for a psychological evaluation if they clearly have a mental illness, or they are a harm to themselves, a harm to others, or they are self neglectful. The act was named for a Florida state representative, Maxine Baker, who was deeply interested in mental health issues.


Other news in brief:

Angry homeowner threatens tree-trimming crew with shotgun - You can take my tree limbs from my cold, dead hands!

Man just out of prison for 1995 murder accused of beating woman to point of unconsciousness in West Palm Beach - Some people just don't learn their lesson.

Police: DeLand man sits on baby's head because child would not fall asleep - ....seriously, WTF. Father of the year material right here.

Man arrested for performing dentistry at his Boca home without license, deputies say - Nothing says professionalism like a laundry room dentists office.

Only in Florida 7/10/2013

     If you are reading this from Florida, you may be breaking the law. Recently the governor of Florida signed a bill into law aimed at shutting down so called internet cafes. The term internet cafe here is a bit of a misnomer, and a a better description of what they really were is a small time casino. The proponents of the new law hoped it would make these gaming machines illegal, which it does do. However, due to the way these machines are defined in the law, lawmakers may have inadvertently banned anything capable of accessing the internet.

     The bill basically defines "any machine or device by which someone can play a game of chance" as a slot machine. While online gambling has been banned in the US for quite some time, those who are determined enough can find offshore sites that they can connect to over the net from the comfort of their own homes. And since you can do this on your home PC, possibly even on your smart phone, your computer or phone could technically be called a slot machine, which would make it illegal in the state of Florida.

     While the bill was signed into law, this doesn't mean the matter is settled. A company that owned several of these establishments is fighting back and has filed suit hoping in the very least to get some clarification on the law. Hopefully some clarification will be provided, but with this being Florida, who knows when or if that will happen. Plus even if the definition is changed, chances are your TV remote could be the next thing they accidentally outlaw.

Other news in brief:

 Cops: Gun-toting HOA officer threatened residents watching fireworks - Well, it looks like they took away Barney's guns

Man uses homosexual, racial epithets against cops - Come on, tell us how you really feel

Only in Florida 7/3/2013

     Our first story today comes from Gainesville where 33 year old Birnard Larkin Jr.was arrested for trying

to murder his cousin. What drove Larkin into a homicidal rage? He was not invited to a birthday party at his aunt's house for some one and two year old children in the neighborhood. The reason he was snubbed? His aunt knew that there was already a warrant out for his arrest, and she didn't want to risk having the police show up in the middle of the party.
     While this sounds reasonable enough, Larkin was incensed. Upon hearing this, he proceeded to curse profusely and threaten the life of his aunt's son. Also, he asked to have some of the food from the party brought to him. Clearly, Larkin is a master of persuasion, as after his curses and threats, his aunt allowed her son to take him a plate of food.
     As the man arrived at Larkin's house, food in hand, Larkin pushed him off his bike, cursed at him and fired two shots, which fortunately missed, at his head. The cousin fled, but apparently not far enough, as Larkin caught up to him, shooting, and missing, him twice more.
     Eventually, the police caught up to him, and he was booked and charged with attempted first-degree murder and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. Oh, and that warrant that had been out for his arrest? It was for domestic battery on a pregnant woman for attacking his sister who was six months pregnant. Now who wouldn't want this guy at a birthday party for kids.

Other news in brief:

Ybor City post office reopens after suspicious package found to contain eucalyptus oil - At least they discovered what it was instead of just blowing it up, which seems to be normal procedure these days.

Infuriated man kicks out patrol car window after arrest, deputies say - This man never skipped leg day at the gym.

GPD: Man kidnaps woman, threatens woman and child over debt - Why pay debt collectors when you can do it yourself.

2 women arrested after getting drunk in Wal-Mart - Ain't no party like a Wal-Mart pary.

Kangaroo leads Florida deputies on 10-hour chase - First pythons, now kangroos, what's next?

Teen hit by celebratory gunfire in Florida after NBA Finals - I'm so happy, I just have to shoot the sky!

This kids, is why you don't do drugs

Doll mutilator pleads guilty to gun charge

Edward Victor Williams

By Chris Olwell / The News Herald

Published: Monday, June 24, 2013 at 19:56 PM.

PANAMA CITY — A thrice-convicted felon who federal agents found with a bomb recipe, satanic writings and bizarre shrines on his Jackson County property pleaded guilty in federal court Monday to possessing an illegal gun.

Edward Victor Williams was involved in February in an armed standoff with a game warden who saw a high-powered deer rifle in Williams’ truck before Williams allegedly threatened to kill the game warden and retreated back from the road onto his property. After he surrendered, investigators searched his property and found the rifle submerged in a pond, along with ammunition, marijuana plants and several altars or shrines.

Those shrines, which featured several baby dolls painted and mutilated to give the appearance they had been raped, burned and impaled, featured prominently in Assistant U.S. Attorney Gayle Littleton’s argument in support of an ultimately successful petition to hold Williams until trial at a hearing in April.

Williams was high on methamphetamine when he was arrested again in April. When federal agents searched his house, they found a letter addressed to the devil in which Williams apologized for acts of kindness and promised to do more evil. 

Read the rest here.